Drunk or nah?

I wrote this a few days ago: Is it only me but every time I start to drink alcohol I have to take a shit. It does not matter where I am. The only way I dont is if I dont eat all day and then start drinking.  Usually if I do that I get real fucked up. Like to the point of vomitting. Its like I drink and six minutes later I have to take a massive number 2. Like wtf? So lately my diet has been horrible. I eat McDonald's when I feel like it. Vegetables once a week and hard candies every day. I might be drunk as I writing this. All I had was one beer. But its 5:30pm EST and all I had today was a roll with turkey and swiss at 1 pm for lunch. So its not farfetched that i am drunk from a 16 or 20 oz Mike's. I don't know if it was 16 or 20.

You ever feel like no one cares about you? Like there are people around you that you love and would do almost anything for but they wouldnt do the same for you. You ever feel like you make no major impact on the world and if you died almost no one would notice? Do you ever feel so alone that no one person in this world could possibly understand or care about what you are going through? I will not call it depression because that seems a little dramatic. The word is lonely. I hate my life. I love the people in it but I hate myself.

What do I want?

I want to buy a house but I dont have enough money. Every time I attempt to save money something comes up. My problem is I don't plan veryvwell and often I fund myseldf straying from the plans I do make. Also I dont make enough at my job. Let's see how this goes.

In an attempt to save money and lose weight. I am not going to buy any food in the town I work in. Everything is so much more expensive there. AI will take the bus to work instead of the train (when I can help it). The train is $11.50 a day. I will spend $10 a day on any given thing. So that means I will spend $5.50 on transportation and $4.50 on eberthing else. All the money I don't spend will be put in a jar to put back in tje bank. I will not eat any fast food. I will survive on $70 a week. Wish me luck.

On an effort to lose weigh, I will walk more. O can not guarantee I will do some crazy cardio workout or an intense gym workout but I will walk instead of driving.

Hopefilly doing all these things will help me lose weight as well as save money. Wish me luck. If I documwnt my journey it may be easier to do. Thats what I have heard anyway.

New Job Soon?

I have been sitting in the park for about a half an hour looking for a job on my phone. I have a job with benefits and paid time off but I fear that it may ne going oit of business soon. I have only had this job for about a year but I didnt realize how tough it is out there for job seekers. Yesterday my boss said he may have to start cutting hours. If that is the case I will need to find another job. Let me start now so I will not feel the pressure of being unemployed for long. If I am going to look for a job let me find one that pays more than what I am making now. Sorry for the random thought rant but I think typing out all my feelings and thoughts is the only way I have been able to make it to this sane place I am today. Instead makong them private I have now decided to make this a public thing. Thanks for reading.

Hello World!

You wouldn't believe this but I started this blog at least 3 years ago. Many of the posts have been deleted because they came from a place of hatred. I would only write when I was mad. I felt myself shaming my child's father a lot and writing about messed up f***** up relationships. After I wasn't mad anymore I would delete everything I wrote. Everything that was written was very angry. So now I'm writing this blog just because I have nothing better to do and I can't afford a therapist.

Take this happy friendless journey with me. As I write this I get the sense that no one is ever going to read it but I'm not going to delete this post.

My name is Regina, I am 20 something. I am closer to 30 but I rather just tell people I'm 20 something, it sounds better than 30. Thirty years old sounds like a old woman and I'm not ready to be an old woman. I'm not ready to be my mother. I'm not ready to be my aunt. So I will say I'm 20 something up until November 28th of the year I turn 30. 

My 13 year old self would be so disappointed with how my life has turned out. S*** my 19 year old self would be disappointed. But there's really nothing I can do about how my life has turned out. What has happened has happened. Since I was 19 I have have had a child I graduated college and that's basically it. Oh yeah I met this wonderful guy who I love so much. And THAT'S basically it. That's my whole life. I was a child, I was a teenager, I had a child, I graduated college, I became an adult, I met a man, I fell in love and that's it. Nothing else has happened in my life. Now you may say "Hey you know you're missing a couple of things there". Things are a little scrambled you had a child, you finished college, you became an adult, you met a man you loved. When did you get married?and don't you fall in love before you have children? I always have to take the difficult route to do things I can never just be straightforward. 

One might argue that I'm leaving details out. But come on let's be honest do you really want to hear about me being sodomized or being in an abusive relationship?